Posted on Jan 24th, 2009
by
Carl
It is very important that this writing, should you choose to read it, take it with extreme and the utter-most sarcasm as it's dripping with the dry humor. I'd include more but I hit the end of my fifth page for my paper, and well, that's that isn't it?
When I look at life in general, I try to look at it in terms of perspective. My own life is no exception. It is through our relationships with others that our perceptions are shaped and molded. By studying perspective, both my own and others, I‘ve been able to conquer many of my own problems and help others with theirs. When everything I’ve learned boils away what’s left is the concept of perspective. Perspective decides how beautiful art is, how people react to what one does, how things are created, and how others are maintained and so on. From a communicative reference point, the message that is conveyed is more important than the actions or words said, even if they do not reflect the message, as this is what people respond to.
I suppose one of my first perspectives was what I call: “the magic that is the world.” When I was two years old, I got lost in a K-mart. One of the store attendants found me and had brought me to the registers. I noticed that I was crying but didn’t seem to be able to stop it even though I wanted to when one of the girls offered me a stick of gum. There was something awesome about candy that was magic in nature. I have always thought that if sin existed, gluttony would be the hardest to evade because it’s one of the only drives in life that we are actually born with the desire to carry out. The simple things like taste, touch, or even how doors worked used to be mysterious and magical. The world was an adventure to explore.
Eventually, however, magic cannot hold it’s ground against science and when I began to mature and figure out how things worked, that magic began to fade. One of the only things that remained magical were the times that I was able to spend with my parents together. I think this maintained it’s grandeur because it was made sparse. We lived in California now so the standard of living was lower and everyone had to work harder to keep afloat. My dad worked as a dental technician and my mom worked as a nurse. She knew everything, as all moms do, but of course my mom was special, as all moms are. My dad knew everything too and my childhood was at it’s happiest times when he would play with us, my brother and I, on weekends. Because they had to work all of the time, I was at a babysitter rather often. I got to know many other children my age and sense no one had figured out what “cool” was yet, no one was out of the social circle.
I feel now that having been babysat so much may have formed secondary parental bonds with my sitters and degraded my primary bonds with my parents somewhat. It’s not like I blamed my parents as it wasn’t something they could help. I now notice that many of my babysitters were sort of a mother/mentor/friend hybrid. They cared about me like one of their own, taught me things like my teachers, and hung out with me like any other kid my age. Some of them tried harder than others and I respect them for that but looking back on it now, each place seemed sort of like a dormitory than a home. Nothing was mine but I still belonged there.
Around fourth or fifth grade, I realized the truth that we all come to eventually, that being that the world completely and totally revolved around me and no one else. There was something special about me that no one else had that would make me the star of my life which naturally made me rather competitive. I sat in the sandbox making sandcastles and swinging all the time just thinking about how wonderful I was. Isn’t it just grand to be a child?
This took a different direction when I hit puberty. Because my parents had raised me to be sensitive, I didn’t fit in at all with any of the other guys my age. The few that I could get along with were outcasts of their own. I don’t know if it was that I didn’t watch the right TV shows or I didn’t listen to the right music or I just didn’t have the genes to be cool like the other kids but I didn’t fit in very well. Perhaps it was the lingering “I’m special” thoughts preventing me from socializing. Whether I fitted in with the boys or not didn’t matter so much as I was still a boy at heart. In the sixth grade, I had my first crush. It’s comical now when I think about how she cold shouldered me for the next three years but I suppose that’s how the game is played at that age.
When I got to high school, the story changed a little bit. I had grown into the “punk” culture or what later became the current “emo” culture. This is basically a culture that revolves around self pity and the hording of attention in indirect ways. It’s incredibly egocentric but not necessarily egotistical. My first crush had come back to me and told me that she was now interested in me, which was a new experience all in itself. Of course I wanted all of the attention I could get, so I indulged her fantasy. I say fantasy because she was actually involved with someone else and was also interested in many other men as well. She told me about how horrible life was treating her and how all of her problems were stacking up. I took it personally and still tried to be there for her.
As much as I wanted to be her attention slave, when my parents asked us our opinions about moving across country, I anxiously expressed what a great idea it was. I don’t know if I fully understood the ramifications of my decision but it didn’t matter. When I told the girl that I would be leaving over summer forever, I got satisfaction in this little attention game of ours. I suppose when someone pays attention to you, it gives you a sort of power over them. I have a quote that “Those who crave attention ask a price. People have to pay attention to be let in.” When we finally got to West Virginia, I realized that my plan had backfired and now there was no way to fill my void of self pity. My only positive thoughts were that I would be able to start over.
Though I was wallowing in my own self pity, I still maintained my sensitive man interior. Though I wasn’t honest to myself, I lived very honestly, not telling lies or cheating. I had been so strongly conditioned to behave properly that any deviation at all was met with harsh and strong feelings of guilt. I don’t pretend to completely understand it but it seems that women that have been taken advantage of flock to these kinds of men. Perhaps it’s the fact that they seem harmless or that they need someone to actually care about them. Either way, I found my first girlfriend in my sophomore year of high school.
My parents had brought me up in a stern manner with a gentle overtone so my values were heavily imprinted. When she started wanting to go further than I thought was right, problems occurred and the relationship crippled. Guilt up to this point in my life had been a very strong factor in my decision making. I don’t blame my parents directly for this though it was my upbringing that caused the constant grip of being held back from rebelling against authority like the other young men my age by this self righteous guilt trip. I am grateful for it as it’s kept me straight and narrow but I sometimes resent it because I was unable to be like everyone else my age.
I met my second girlfriend in my senior year. She was attracted to me for the same reason the last had been. Perhaps I hadn’t learned my lesson or maybe I simply wanted to feel needed, either way, it was very childish to indulge it. The relationship expanded over about a nine month time period, spilling over into college when we graduated. I had spent a lot of “firsts” with her in all areas of life. She really allowed me to open some doors that would not have been open to me otherwise. However, her perspective of life was lived through drama. The forming of dysfunctional ties in order to exploit them for the maximum amount of frenzy made a relationship with her, very difficult. I really do have to thank her in the end, as she weaned me off of my self pity as she didn’t put up with it or acknowledge it at all.
When we broke up I was utterly devastated. I had stockpiled so much security in her dominant female roll that it was very hard to take responsibility over what I should feel without her having a say in it. It was at this point that I became very interested in Buddhism. Spending hours reading up on meditation, along with being a natural at it, made the lifestyle into a new support system for me. Along with becoming more Zen, I also found myself becoming more and more bohemian and carefree.
The next experience was a wave that rocked the boat harder than it had ever been rocked before. When my perception was finally able to distinguish the difference between attachment (which was practically every relationship I’d ever had up to this point) and love, I was able to control my life in a way that finally made me feel comfortable. The most important perspective in my life that I’ve learned is the concept of attachment and it’s part of why I want to be a counselor. In order for a relationship to work, both people must stay themselves. If they become attached to each other, then they are nothing more than an extension of the other. If they are not separate people then they cannot experience happiness. The greatest happiness in a relationship occurs when two people can remain themselves and enjoy each others company rather than their own. This way the relationship does not suffocate the couple or create drama. I have been fortunate enough to find one of the best friends of my life who shares this belief with me, and we are very happy together now. When the ego is finally understood, a greater perception of other peoples feelings, thoughts, and actions can be comprehended.
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